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Marital Discord Itself is not a shortcoming, but the way you address it is.

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Marital Discord Itself is not a shortcoming, but the way you address it is.

Post by Ithar Ghada Faied on Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:37 pm

Bismillaah, wal-hamdulilaah, was-salaatu was-salaamu 'alaa rasoolillaah, As Salaamu 'Alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakatuh

You will not find a home free from marital discord rather there is not a man except that he will face opposition in his lifetime, just as Ibn Wardee said in his Laamiyyah:

There is not a person except he will be opposed,

Even if he withdrew himself to the top of a mountain.

It is notstrange for marital problems to occur inside the house. If any home would be free from marital discord it would have been the Prophet's salallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam house. However, problems occured between the Prophet salallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam and his wives, causing Allah the Most High to give the option of divorcing his wives, and withdrawing himself from them for a complete month. The problem is not that disputes occur, but the problem is in your means of rectification.

So I advise you and your husband with that which will rectify your marriage. From among the ways:

FIRST: Marital discord is like a storm, and a person cannot see clearlu during a storm. So it is an error on your behalf to think you can resolve the problem while in the midst of it, similar to how it is a mistake for you to clean his garment that fell in mud while his feet are still stuck in the dirt. So the best way to resolve marital problems is to leave the storm, choosing a better time and placeto address the issue.

How many discussions havebeen made during a marital dispute which afterwards either the husband or wife regretted? At that time regret is of no avail.

SECOND: The Islamic Legislation has prohibited you from leaving the home (without your husband' consent); and for him to expel you from the home is an even greater crime according to the Islamic Legislation. Allah says in His Book concerning this:

"And fear Allah your Lord (Oh Muslims). And turn them not out of their (husband's) homes nor shall they (themselves) leave, except in case they are guilty of some open illegal sexual intercourse. And those are the set limits of Allah. And whosoever transgresses the set limits of Allah, then indeed he has wronged himself. You (the one who divorces his wife) know not it may be that Allah will afterward bring some new thing to pass (i.e. to return her back to you if that was the first or second divorce). Suratut Talaq:1

Leaving your husband's home is prohibited and it only complicates the problem. So do not resemble many of the women who, when a problem breaks out between one of them and her spouse, she says to him, "take me to my parents" or she calls them to come get her from the house. All of this is impermissible according to the Islamic Legislation. You haven't committed any illicit behavior that will cause you to be expelled or to leave fleeing from your husband's home. Rather it is incumbent upon you to remain and try every means possible to resolve your marital problems.

THIRD: Holding yourself accountable and critically examining the defects within yourself is from the most important ways in resolving your problems. This will help you avoid disputing with lies and demanding that which you are entitled to. So ponder upon what led to the problem. Did you do anuthing wrong or not? The extent to which you acknowledge your mistakes shows your determination in resolving the problem.

As for thinking that the truth only resides with you and his thinking thesame, then there does not exist between the both of you any shared responsibility which will result in rectification. However, when both of you acknowledge your mistakes, the problem will subside, its size will diminish, and its circumference will tighten, making it easy to resolve.

FOURTH: (Allah does not increase a slave who pardons except in nobility) - Collected by Saheeh Muslim on the authority of Abu Hirairah, radiyallaahu 'anhu, as our Prophet Muhammad salallaahi 'alayhi wa sallam has stated; marital rights encourage this. Oh my sister, your pardon should precede your punishment; for indeed it stops the problem before it begins. A point similar to this has already preceded.

FIFTH: It is from the way of the intelligent ones to relinquish some of their rights for the greater good. There is no harm for you to forfeit some of your rights, even if it be difficult upon you, in order to preseve your family and marriage.

SIXTH: Be mindful not to allow a third party to enter upon your marital affairs. We've mentioned this point previously. So if a problem occurs then do not rush to others with it until you first exhaust every means to resolve it. How many marital problems occured as a result of involving people in your affairs? In the beginning it was just the two of you, which means there were only two opinions. So imagine if the number of opinions were to increase. The path that lead to marital rectification will be severed, causing the problem to magnify. Perhaps you both desire marital rectification, but are unable to, and it is more grievous and bitter, because of family feuding. The husband and wife become innocent by-standers. I have witnessed this scenario a number of times when dealing with family issues; the husband and wife wish to resolve their problems by themselves without the involvement of others.

So my sister; reflect over the statement of Allah, the Most High:

"If you fear a breach between them twain (the man and his wife), appoint (two) arbitrators, one from his family and the other from hers; if they both wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation. Indeed Allah is Ever All-Knower, Well-Acquainted with all things." Suratun Nisaa:35
Ithar Ghada Faied

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